OCEAN OF EMOTION

CLOUD ATLAS

What the fuck is going on. Seriously, how does one grasp life in its constant stream? Maybe we don’t, and it is all an illusion. I’ve realized in my physical explorations-each destination, cliche as it may sound, was really just another layer I was peeling back from myself. A level in that I achieved in understanding myself. Revealing unhealed wounds from my past, fishing out memories and coping with them as an “adult”. Cultivating self-exploration without self-judgment. This is where I am at.

More recently, I’ve experienced some strange emotions regarding digital sharing. Hence, the writing sabbatical, even though I have been out of commission for the past few months with a foot injury with plenty of free time to write… In this time, I’ve conjured up a distaste for sharing. It was almost as, knowingly or unknowingly I was exploiting experiences for vanity. And from this I developed some pretty hefty insecurities about why I think I have anything important to share/say anyways. What makes me think that I’m special?  Or that people care to infer about my thoughts. Sharing and validation have seemed to take a form of its own. I think Like Validation Disorder (LVD)  is a social issue we will have to eventually face.

like validation disorder

I wanted to share the inspiring places/things that I was experiencing but I needed to understand why I wanted to share these things in the first place. From one perspective, I love that people are sharing their life experiences and it is inspiring them to do more, go to more places, experience more things– because it inspires me! After all, travel makes your more self-aware and isn’t self-awareness what its all about?

hippy swing SF

I think what I’m really dealing with is an upper limit problem. (As David would say) I got to this place in my life, that I have worked hard to get too. And I’ve arrived– perhaps earlier than I anticipated, but I’m here without steps to climb or something to reach for. I’ve achieved my goals and now I’m not sure what my next step is as I haven’t created new goals. I’m somewhat paralyzed because I don’t know what I want because I have everything. My dreams have materialized… Not a shitty problem to have. I’m grateful. But my mistake was thinking, that arriving meant I had reached a final version of myself.

For a few weeks now I’ve known this and along with my stupid insecurities about sharing I was afraid of sharing this because I was worried that maybe the other shoe would drop and life would implode at the stitchings… That could happen with our without sharing so fuck it… Some moments warrant an audience, even if it is an audience of one.

santa barbara mountains

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